Part 2: Jane Bingley's Pen Pals
Poor Jane is besieged by letters from Pemberley as her family and Lady Catherine contend with one another during the summer.
Warning: Mild innuendo. Please be over 18 years of age.
Express from Elizabeth Darcy
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 12, 1813
Dear Jane,
Have you no control whatsoever
over your own dinner table?
How could you let everyone
converge on Pemberley all at once? Surely you could have guided the conversation
towards the weather or His Majesty's health or whether Napoleon could defeat
Wellington in an arm-wrestle.
But seriously, dear
sister, it was a wondrous sight indeed to see everyone alight from their
carriages with smiles of anticipation.
All except
father, that is. He extricated himself from the carriage like a moth from
a too-tight cocoon, wearing a fearful scowl. He was closely followed by mother
and Lady Catherine who were both convulsed with laughter.
I must say that to see Lady Catherine laughing was a sight.
The last time that I gazed on her face, she was accusing me of crimes worse than
treason. Try as I might, I have still been unable to gain any knowledge of
what transpired inside the carriage.
But Jane, I miss
you so. I do wish you could have come. Surely your husband would have carried
you on his back if you had only asked him. Have you not yet learned that it is
a wife's privilege and obligation to take full advantage of her husband's
affection in every possible way?
But of course I know
that you are too far along to come such a distance. I will make sure to write
you often so that you do not feel too lonely. (As if you will feel lonely with Mr.
Bingley to attend to you.)
Love,
Lizzy
Express from Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 13, 1813
Dear Mrs. Bingley,
Pray excuse me for writing to you, but I feel something
must be said about your father. Your sister Mrs. Darcy is of no help whatsoever.
Whenever I protest to her she simply nods her head and smiles at me as if I were a
child.
As we were arriving at Pemberley the other day, I
innocently asked your mother about the origins of her daughters' names. You yourself
are named for Harriet's own mother, but she seemed hesitant to tell me about Mrs.
Darcy's name. Your father was asleep, or so we thought, and so your mother mumbled
something about your father's "lizard" and that many years ago she had called it her
"Little Lizzy".
At this point your dissembling father startled
us with "My god, Mrs. Bennet!" and the carriage came to an abrupt halt in front
of Pemberley.
It was at this point that I realized what Harriet
had been rather rudely referring to, and I couldn't stifle a bit of laughter. Your
father was not amused at Harriet's revelation or at our mirth, and so he continued to
sulk for the next twenty-four hours.
I would greatly appreciate
it if you could send an express to your sister to inform her of your father's petulant
behaviour and to ask her to make him cease his abominable mistreatment of your mother
at once.
Sincerely,
Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Express from
Mr
. Bennet
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 13, 1813
Dear Jane,
If
at all possible, my dear, please have Mr. Bingley send his friend Captain Benwick directly
to Pemberley so that he may press your mother into naval service.
Nothing is sacrosanct to that woman.
Keep well,
Father
Express from Mrs
. Bennet
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 13, 1813
Dear Jane,
If you can, Jane dear, send an express to your father saying
that he is needed at Longbourn at once. Use Longbourn stationery if you can. Lady Catherine
and I find him to be most obnoxious.
Oh, Jane, you do not know what
I suffer. Your father's delicate nerves have been my bane these last twenty years at least.
I wish he had left them behind in Hertfordshire.
Love,
Mother
Express from Elizabeth Darcy
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 13, 1813
Dear Jane,
As far as the visit is concerned, so far, so good.
Mother
and Lady Catherine are like a pair of fussing hens, and Georgiana and Mary are like squabbling
chicks, always competing at the pianoforte.
Kitty and Anne are like
twins. I am completely baffled by the two of them. Anne is so much older than Kitty, yet she
is so naive about so many things. I guess that's not really surprising considering her
upbringing.
Father and my husband are a different matter altogether.
Fitzwilliam loved his own father dearly, and I had hoped that he would feel something
similar for our father. And I had hoped that father in turn would treat Fitzwilliam
like the son he never had.
Instead, the two of them are no better
than adolescent mischief-makers. My husband deals with estate business in the morning
and then he and father sneak off with fishing tackle in the afternoon. I even caught
them tip-toeing out the front door with their guns in hand when they thought I was resting
in the parlour. And at night they entomb themselves in the library for whatever manly
pursuits they can dream up.
But I forgot to tell you about my
initial meeting with Lady Catherine.
As I mentioned earlier,
she and mother were crippled with laughter as they exited their carriage. When Lady
Catherine saw me standing at the foot of the stairs her laughter instantly subsided
and she approached me gravely and acknowledged me with a "Mrs. Darcy." She then stared
at me as if I should carry her into the house on my own back. I stood my ground and
said to her "My name is Lizzy, madam."
At this simple
attempt to cultivate our relationship, she and mother once again burst into hysterics.
It was all Lady Catherine could do to embrace me and take my arm as we ascended the
stairs to the front door.
I must say that the change in Lady
Catherine's behaviour is quite dramatic. What has mother done to the poor woman?
She feels quite differently about me than she did last year, and I really don't know if
I myself had anythng to do with the alteration.
Love,
Lizzy
Express from Mr
. Bennet
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 14, 1813
Dear Jame, Jone, Jane,
Please ask your hubbsand husband to order a
case of Devries Extra Old cognac from Stanley's in Meryton and have it sent to Longbourn
as soon as SMUDGE immediately. Mr. Dracy and I have been enjoying it every
night before retiring. It may be hard to come by as we may still be at war with the country
of Cognac but it is most delicious. Perhaps his friend Benwick can seize a case from the
next ship he plunders because it is most delicious. Now please excuse me while I go micturate.
Love,
your loving pater (that's Latin my dear)
Express from
Elizabeth Darcy
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 14, 1813
Dear Jane,
Well,
our guests have been here for three whole days and I don't hate a single one of them yet!
Lady Catherine alternately charms and vexes. Most of her grievances
are easily dealt with by the simple expedient of a smile and a kiss on the cheek.
Aunt (Aunt!) seems so harmless and sweet (in her own unique way) now that
she is no longer holding court at Rosings. (Now I get to hold court!) She still likes
to offer advice and act a little imperious from time to time, but the two of us have had some
fascinating walks about the house and the grounds as she entertains me with stories of her
husband Lewis.
I never realized how much time that she had spent at
Pemberley in the past. Almost every second room seems to hold a story for her and her late
husband, not that she has yet revealed to me any of the sordid details.
It's hard to say who she likes reminiscing with more, mother or me. But I can't help feel
that there are secrets that she will never reveal to me.
For example,
just the other day she and I walked with Georgiana to three tall oak trees near Sparrow Lake
where the ever-present Lewis had carved his and Aunt's names into one of the trunks. Georgiana
had been trying to decipher the markings for several months, and now with Aunt's help she was
able to do so, except for one incomprehensible word that none of us could quite make out. For
a moment I thought that Aunt had deduced its meaning, but she suddenly turned red and called
us down to view the lake with her.
I don't know what to make of
this.
In any case, Aunt tells me that the Hursts were to arrive
at Netherfield the day after she left. Do write to tell me how you are coping with Louisa.
Is she any easier to grapple with now that mother is several counties distant?
Love,
Lizzy
Express from Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 15, 1813
Dear Mrs. Bingley,
Pray excuse me for writing to you
yet again, but I feel something must be said to your mother.
She
accompanied me on a tour of the grounds this afternoon, and I showed her a set of three
tall oak trees near one of the lakes.
Harriet noticed some
markings on one of the trees and I foolishly remarked that my husband had carved our
names there on the day that he proposed marriage to me. One of the words is luckily
quite garbled, being not only hard to read after all these years but also being an
epithet which has fallen out of common use these past two decades.
Unfortunately, your mother is similar in age to myself and was therefore
able to unravel the word.
My late husband Lewis used this
sobriquet to refer to me when we were courting, and it is rather personal and somewhat
embarrassing. Harriet took great pleasure in uttering it aloud several times, not having
heard it for so long.
She stopped saying it when she saw how
vexed I was, but I dare say that she is now holding the word over my head like a threat.
I will be mortified if she reveals it to Georgiana.
I would
appreciate your sending a short express to your mother on my behalf. As usual, your
sister seems unconcerned by my plight.
Sincerely,
Lady Catherine de
Bourgh
Express from Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 16, 1813
Dear Mrs. Bingley,
Pray excuse me for writing
to you so soon, but I am wondering if you could drop a word to your sister Mary.
Mary and Georgiana cannot seem to come to terms on the use
of the pianoforte in the music parlour. They both prefer to practice on that
instrument rather than on the one in the Blue Room, and their bickering is driving me
to distraction.
I am complaining separately about Georgiana
to her brother.
In addition, Mary has taken to calling me
Aunt Kitty. Actually, this ceased to bother me as soon as she stopped calling
me Lady Kitty.
I would appreciate it if you could drop
a line to Mary about the need to get along with people and to stifle her imperious
attitude, especially as she is a guest in Georgiana's home.
Sincerely,
Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Express from Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 17, 1813
Dear Mrs. Bingley,
Please
excuse me for writing to you about such a trivial matter, but I feel something must be
said to your sister Catherine.
Kitty and my daughter Anne are
in the middle of a juvenile dispute over a ten-pound note that they found in the bushes.
Neither of the two want to claim it as their own but would rather the other one spend
it on a gift for the other one of them, if that makes any sense.
Such generosity is admirable under normal circumstances, but in this case if no one
is willing to spend the note then I will have to bring it to Mrs. Darcy's attention
to settle the matter.
Sincerely,
Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Express from Elizabeth Darcy
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 26, 1813
Dear Jane,
Forgive the length of the letter that I am about to write, but I need
to calm my own nerves a bit. Life at Pemberley has been marvelous but hectic these
past two weeks. The party is staying for an additional two weeks and I must say that
I will be sorry to see them go.
Are you getting nervous about
the birth of your baby? I'm not really looking forward to my own happy event
in November. I know it's not at all a pleasant experience, especially for one's first
child, but I'm told that I'll forget the pain soon afterwards.
Mother and Lady Catherine seem to have a continual contest to see which of them can
boast of the worse childbirth experience. (Apparently Lydia was mother's worst, she being
the tallest.) I don't find these discussions to be comforting in the least.
I'm hoping that in November I will have half a dozen children all at once
and then be done with it.
I will visit you in August to see
how you're faring and to laugh at your large belly. I'm sure you will be so busy with
your own baby in the autumn that you won't get to see my belly in such a state.
The doctor has told my husband that come September, he (Mr.
Darcy, that is) will have to abstain from, you know, until some weeks after the baby
is born. He (Mr. Darcy) is therefore taking full advantage of the time remaining in
the next two months. I must say that it is extraordinary to behold the times of the
day that he chooses to, you know.
Now let me tell you a little
secret while I'm in a saucy mood. There is a secluded spot on the grounds which affords
Fitzwilliam and myself the occasional opportunity to, well, I'm sure you know by now.
Apparently it is a private spot that he found when he was a boy, and he would often go
there to escape from the world. It is thankfully quite distant from the ever-popular
oak trees.
When Fitzwilliam first took me to the spot I was
somewhat nervous, but he assured me that no one had ever come across this location even
by accident. He has proven this in the past by leaving ten-pound notes on the ground to
see if anyone would take them, but his notes have usually been left untouched.
The only exception to this was a day two years ago when Caroline Bingley
bragged of finding a ten-pound note and then refused to return it to Mr. Darcy even
after Mr. Bingley insisted.
But on our first day at the spot,
the mere mention of your sister-in-law's name put my husband and me quite out of the
mood and so we had to postpone our initial employment of the spot until the following
day.
No I will not show you the spot.
I do hope that you and baby are doing well, dear Jane. I just needed to get
my mind off my guests for a few minutes.
Love,
Lizzy
Express from Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Pemberley, Derbyshire
July 30, 1813
Dear Mrs. Bingley,
I must prevail upon you yet one more time to write a
short express to your mother about the advice she gives on childbirth.
Harriet seems to think that simply because she has had five daughters to
my one, that she is therefore five times as experienced as I am. I say that
having even one child is more than enough experience.
Once again Mrs. Darcy is of no use. She simply leaves the room as soon as Harriet and
I start talking about birthing. One would think that with her own child being expected
in November she would appreciate the benefits of our knowledge.
Sincerely,
Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Express from Elizabeth Darcy
Pemberley,
Derbyshire
August 1, 1813
Dear Jane,
Why have you not yet written?
I know you are bursting at the seams with a baby, but you
must be able to jot down a few lines to your beloved sister. Surely you don't
have too many letters of your own to read.
I must tell
you what happened this afternoon. Lady Catherine and I had just returned from our
afternoon walk when we entered the main parlour only to find father and my husband standing
there like two guilty schoolboys next to two pianofortes. Apparently they had
been helping themselves once again to Fitzwilliam's favourite cognac. And in the
afternoon no less!
The two of them had somehow manhandled
the instruments into the room without any help from the servants. Their rationale for
the renovation was so that Mary and Georgiana could play duets for us now that those two
have become fast friends.
The pianofortes and the door frames had
become marred by the abuse, and do you know Jane that I became quite cross with my husband
for the very first time! I mean, visibly cross.
I'm not
sure if I was angrier at the damage to the house or at my husband's daytime inebriation.
Perhaps I should blame father for the latter. In any case, Fitzwilliam made it up to me
that very evening at dinner by being my personal server, much to the astonishment of Mrs.
Reynolds and the kitchen staff.
Lady Catherine was also upset
at the pianoforte episode and I dare say she would have given her nephew a thorough
dressing down had she not deferred to my own anger.
You know, Jane, I believe that Lady Catherine is afflicted by a touch of craftiness
from time to time. She was feeling unwell the other day and insisted that mother should
exhibit the infamous oak trees to father. The two of them came back in very good
spirits and looking a bit rumpled. I refuse to speculate any further.
And I have no idea if any cognac was involved.
Now pick up that quill! My husband hears from your husband that Mr. Hurst has
had his favourite sofa brought up from London. What other news?
Love,
Lizzy
Express from Mr
. Bennet
Pemberley, Derbyshire
August 1, 1813
Dear Jane,
Your mother and I have come to a reconciliation of
sorts, so please disregard the peevish tone of my last letter. I mean the letter before
that one.
We will return to Hertfordshire in a week
or so with many tales to tell.
With love,
Father
Express
from Mrs
. Bennet
Pemberley, Derbyshire
August 1, 1813
Jane dear,
I have managed to settle your father's nerves, at least for a week or two.
If you did by any chance send that express to your father, send him another
one immediately saying that Longbourn is just fine. He is needed here for the remainder
of our visit.
Love,
Mother
Express from Elizabeth Darcy
Pemberley, Derbyshire
August 5, 1813
Dear Jane,
Oh, Jane. Our
summer visitors have been a treat, but sometimes I feel so lonely.
At the dinner table everyone is paired up but me. Father has abducted my husband,
mother has Lady Catherine, Mary has made up with Georgiana, and Kitty and Anne are absolutely
conjoined. Four active conversations take place while I just sit quietly and play with my
food.
If the Gardiners were here then I'd
have my other aunt. Uncle would form a trio with father and Fitzwilliam. But then Aunt
Gardiner might join up with mother and Lady Catherine. Oh dear.
You yourself are in no condition to travel.
If Charlotte were here then Mr. Collins would disrupt the entire congregation.
That leaves
only one possible companion for me: Caroline Bingley. Oh dear. Perhaps I need a bit of that
cognac.
Love,
Lizzy
Express from Lady Catherine de Bourgh
Pemberley, Derbyshire
August 9, 1813
Dear Mrs. Bingley,
I realize that
one or two of my earlier letters may have left the impression that I am not entirely happy
with my excursion to Derbyshire.
Please be assured that I have had
a most wonderful four weeks here at Pemberley, and that your sister is an absolute delight
and a boon companion, and not at all like the person I thought she was when I paid her that
little visit at Longbourn last summer.
And in case she has not
related to you the details of that visit, there is really no need to ask her about it.
In any case, your mother Harriet continues to maintain the absurdity
that you will be able to make do with only one midwife in addition to herself. Therefore I
see no alternative but to accompany her to Netherfield next week so that I may assist in the
delivery of your child in September.
Sincerely,
Lady Catherine de Bourgh
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