WICKHAM
Darcy! I say, old chap. How good to see you.
DARCY
I'm sure, George.
WICKHAM
What brings you to town? Let me buy you a drink. Oh, don't
look at me like that, old friend.
DARCY
Friend?
WICKHAM
Well, you did call me 'George'. Can I call you 'Fitzie'?
DARCY
I wouldn't want to waste your good father's surname on the likes of
you.
WICKHAM
Come, Darcy. Surely we can put the past behind us. I
was hoping to let bygones be bygones at that ball in Hertfordshire
last year. At Netherburg, wasn't it? But unfortunately I was
detained on business.
DARCY
Yes, I remember. I just don't understand why your Colonel didn't
keep a better eye on you this year after what I told him
last year.
WICKHAM
Darcy, look at me, I'm a new man. That incident with your
sister last year taught me a great lesson. I've turned over a
new leaf. And I now have a vocation. Look at me, an
officer.
DARCY
Yes, what better way to prey upon young ladies than to wear a red
coat.
WICKHAM
Oh, Darcy. Now you've cut me to the quick. What can I
do to make you see how I've changed?
DARCY
You can marry Miss Lydia Bennet.
WICKHAM
...
DARCY
Immediately.
WICKHAM
Miss who?
DARCY
My associates are at your lodgings as we speak, talking to the young
lady. And Colonel Forster tells us that you're absent without
leave.
WICKHAM
What do you care of Lydia Bennet?
DARCY
I care to see her family left unharmed by my silence last year in
Hertfordshire.
WICKHAM
Look, Darcy. It'll be a frosty fortnight before I marry Lydia
Bennet.
DARCY
You see those two big brutes over there? You remember my valet, I'm
sure, but you've never met his brother. See how closely they're
watching us? Do you see what his brother is holding? It's made of
iron.
WICKHAM
Darcy, how can I marry that girl? I have no money, I can't go back
to my regiment, --
DARCY
I'll find a new commission for you. And what about your debts?
How many new ones need to be settled? Wait, don't tell
me. I don't want to hear how much more you owe. You can
tell my associates later.
WICKHAM
A new commission?
DARCY
Yes, in Newcastle.
WICKHAM
Newcastle-Upon-Bloody-Tyne?! You can't be serious!
DARCY
Or Scotland.
WICKHAM
Oh, for god's sake, Darcy. I can't believe you're actually
doing this just to help some wretched family up in
Hertfordshire. ...Oh, wait a minute,
Darcy, wait a minute. Now I understand. Which
one is she?
DARCY
Which one is what?
WICKHAM
I'll bet it's Elizabeth. You must be hoping that I'll tell my
new sister Elizabeth what a wonderful fellow you are to have done
this for Lydia. And then she'll jump right into your
lap. Oh, don't you worry, Darcy old boy. I'll have a
few choice words for her.
DARCY
I don't think you want the Bennet family to know how this
marriage came about . No one except the mother would be
pleased. Mr. Bennet, on the other hand, has several big
strong farmhands who sometimes get careless with their
pitchforks.
WICKHAM
Hmmm.
DARCY
Well?
WICKHAM
You know, Darcy, come to think of it, I believe I know a few folks
up in Newcastle.