Dec 20, 1812
It's time for bed after the wedding celebration

Warning: Naughty. Please be over 18 years of age.

DARCY
Two newly married couples in one house. Bingley's servants will have a field day.
LIZZY
You know, this is the very bed I slept in when I was taking care of Jane last year.
DARCY
It's not very large. Which of course is fine by me.
LIZZY
It's so much more comfortable than my bed at Longbourn.
DARCY
Why didn't you catch Jane's cold last year? Then you could've stayed longer. I would've tended to you myself.
LIZZY
Yes, Jane would've spent all her time with Mr. Bingley.
DARCY
Lizzy, when are you going to start calling him Charles?
LIZZY
At breakfast tomorrow, I promise. We'll all call one another by our Christian names.
DARCY
And you'll finally call me Fitzwilliam?
LIZZY
Of course.
DARCY
I don't think any of us will be awake in time for breakfast.
LIZZY
Well, I'm an early riser. I hope you don't mind.
DARCY
Not tomorrow morning you won't be.
LIZZY
Oh?
DARCY
I want to spend the morning right here with you, gazing at you, holding you, touching you, cuddling you, kissing you...
LIZZY
But what if I'm hungry?
DARCY
Very funny, my dear. That's the first time you've teased me all night.
LIZZY
Oh darling, I'm just getting started.
DARCY
Well, why don't we get ready for bed? You first.
LIZZY
Me?
DARCY
I'm anxious to see you when you walk in the room in your, well, your nightgown.
LIZZY
Perhaps you should go first, dear. I need to brush my hair. One hundred strokes every night, you know.
DARCY
One hundred? Are you stalling, Lizzy?
LIZZY
No, I just want to... be ready.
DARCY
Ready? They say that young brides get the benefit of their mother's knowledge, but we poor bridegrooms have to learn it in college.
LIZZY
What in heaven's name does that mean?
DARCY
Young ladies get advice from their mothers but the man has to fend for himself.
LIZZY
Well, my mother wasn't really much help.
DARCY
No?
LIZZY
She just said that I should, well...
DARCY
Yes?
LIZZY
...that I should submit to you. That's the word she used. Submit.
DARCY
How nice. Makes me sound like an ogre.
LIZZY
My big, wonderful ogre.
DARCY
I'm glad Bingley and your sister can't hear any of this. They'd be in hysterics. They're probably already..., well...
LIZZY
What? Tell me what you think they're doing right now.
DARCY
To what level of detail, my dear?
LIZZY
Well, anyway, I've gotten some advice from Charlotte, and Marjorie Walthorp and her cousin, and my Aunt Gardiner. And I've done a bit of reading.
DARCY
Reading? What sort of book does your father keep in his library? Doesn't he hide that sort of book?
LIZZY
No, no. Charlotte and I, when we were young, came across a few bawdy little pirate novels. Quite by accident. Very enlightening.
DARCY
Oh, how wonderful. Now I'll have to live up to the exploits of Captain Sam the Seducer and Dandy Dave the Debaucher... Oh, don't laugh so hard, Lizzy. Bingley might hear you. You'll ruin his concentration.
LIZZY
Well, from what Charlotte saw at Rosings, I don't think you have anything to worry about.
DARCY
What? What are you talking about?
LIZZY
Charlotte kept a careful watch over you last April.
DARCY
What in heaven's name was she watching exactly?
LIZZY
You. All of you. Charlotte claimed that you admired me, because whenever I entered the parlour it seemed to have quite an alarming effect on you.
DARCY
Lizzy! I hope I was able to control myself while standing in front of my Aunt de Bourgh.
LIZZY
Well, I didn't believe Charlotte at the time. Until you proposed to me.
DARCY
My, my! Mrs. Collins! Who would've thought? Perhaps that little rector is luckier than I thought.
LIZZY
I wonder if I'll have a lot to tease you about in the morning.
DARCY
Well, you'd better not tease me at the breakfast table if Bingley and your sister are there.
LIZZY
The men in those novels had much naughtier names than Captain Sam. They were named after their, um, you know.
DARCY
Their what?
LIZZY
The item that you almost showed me at the pond a few weeks ago.
DARCY
Oh I see. That item. Speaking of which --
LIZZY
But you were still too shy.
DARCY
No I was not too shy! I just decided that we should wait until our wedding night to --
LIZZY
Maybe we just needed a fourth bottle of wine.
DARCY
So your mother's little chat left you completely in the dark.
LIZZY
Well, I have changed diapers, my dear. My Aunt Gardiner has several young sons, you know. I am not completely ignorant of the male anatomy.
DARCY
Diapers? Listen, my dear, you're about to discover that there is anatomy and then there is anatomy.
LIZZY
What name shall I give you? Captain Ogre?
DARCY
Well, when I was a boy we always called the item by the name of the male chicken who services the hens.
LIZZY
You called it a rooster?
DARCY
No, no, no! Good grief, Lizzy. I'm getting changed. Start brushing that hair of yours. It's going to need a lot more brushing in the morning, I can promise you that.
Next dialogue: Waking up together for the first time
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