A Darcy man should never have to feel

these vulgar people dancing on his feet.

This rustic place is proving an ordeal

for in this room I'm just a piece of meat.

The mothers eye me like I'm made of gold

and fathers treat me as a long-lost friend.

It's fruitless, for their daughters leave me cold.

They're lucky Bingley forced me to attend.

The only saving grace is over there:

that girl who's sitting, looking so dismayed.

And now she's getting up and off her chair.

I pray she didn't hear that jibe I made.

At Lucas Lodge I'll have another chance.

I only hope she's in the mood to dance.

This stuffy parlour makes my throat go dry!

I had a feeling Bingley might insist

on stopping here. But Steed's is quite nearby,

a place with strong cigars and serious whist.

But when will that Elizabeth arrive?

At least she has a look that's somewhat sane,

a mind unspoilt by life as one of five,

and maybe one who's sporting half a brain.

This isn't dancing! Jumping in a line,

like any savage, hopping to and fro.

I think the guests have sampled too much wine,

and now their boots are aiming for my toe.

I've made a move to exit once or twice,

but, gad! Sir William's hold is like a vice.

Your presence here has caught me by surprise.

I know your sister needs you every day,

but once you've washed her face and dabbed her eyes

perhaps you'd leave the house and run away.

It's hard to brood when you're around the place.

My concentration ebbs with fear and doubt.

I'll get that big valet to give you chase,

and then I'l have Miss Bingley throw you out.

Forgive me, though, for all these rancid airs.

Don't be surprised by how my mind is led.

I know your sister wants your help upstairs.

but how I wish you'd come to me instead.

But thoughts like these distract me from my books.

Let's stop the nasty glares and furtive looks!

Miss Bennet charms the hairs off Bingley's head,

and Collins blasts my ears until they hurt.

And while Miss Bingley fills the room with dread,

the younger Bennet sisters love to flirt.

For such is country life in country towns

where manners are bizarre and seldom seen.

Their smelly, ragged coats and ancient gowns,

assault my brain and almost turn me green

I wish that Bennet Two would understand.

At every word from me, her temper flares.

And Bingley won't release her sister's hand,

while now their mother picks her room upstairs.

This dreary town is just a waste of time,

and Bingley must improve his social climb.

It's time to visit Rosings yet again.

Why Easter comes so often, I don't know,

and now I'll have to suffer in her den

with all her bills. My brain will overflow.

But now I hear Elizabeth is there.

She didn't marry Collins after all!

for destitute Miss Lucas, in despair,

just swallowed up her pride and took the fall.

Elizabeth has saved herself for me.

The fame the Darcy surname can command

has caused this girl to rush to Kent, and she

will never rest till I request her hand.

But wait! My cousin Fitz might catch her eye.

It isn't safe with such a cad nearby.

Now Fitz is asking Anne what "Liz" is like,

as if he had a chance to turn her head.

It's ME she came to see; she'd never hike

this far to catch a man so poorly bred.

Now please don't think I'd treat him like a foe,

this much-revered companion of my youth.

I love the Colonel dearly, as you know,

but damn his eyes! He's acting so uncouth!

Please tell me what the lady sees in him!

A fancy sword, a hat, some curly hair.

You must admit, his future's rather grim.

A match so sudden doesn't have a prayer.

Methinks that I should make him sally forth.

Methinks that he could use a trip up north.

I sit with Anne, a very vocal girl,

who says a lot when Momma's done her rant.

I can't believe the curses that she'll hurl,

and all are aimed directly at my Aunt.

She likes to tease about our coming vows,

yet thoughts of me as husband turn her green.

She doesn't care what fame my name endows,

for men like me are few and far between.

However, Anne may like the Colonel's look.

I hope he finds our cousin will concur

and engineers a match our Aunt won't brook.

Her heart belongs to Fitz; of that, I'm sure.

If only Anne would flirt a little more.

I TOLD her that's what eyelashes are for.

Well, what was that? Did she just turn me down?

She's lost her mind: I'd better go back in

and set her straight. A man of my renown

should never be refused on grounds so thin.

Did I say something wrong? I wonder what.

Whatever can have made her turn so pale?

I barely spoke before the door was shut.

I wonder if the Colonel told a tale.

My cousin might have pounced upon her ear.

He talks too much; he knows a thing or two,

and maybe he will try to interfere,

for she's a catch that he will now pursue.

He babbles every time he hoists a cup.

I'll write a little note to clear this up.